Some people just don't get it. You can tell them in so many words, but no matter what you do or say, the math doesn't make sense to them and they look at you like you're from outer space. Or from Canada.
We get that a lot with Peanut. It is pretty clear that we aren't related by blood - besides the two dads thing, Peanut is African American and we are Caucasian. As a result, our little family unit seems to confuse people (even with Modern Family being one of the top comedies on TV right now), so we have heard and seen a lot of odd things over the last nineteen months.
Just a sampling of some of the strange sh*t people say (and this is what they say to our face - imagine what they say behind our back):
-Which one of you is the father?
-Your wife must be so proud! (said by someone who was looking at a picture of the three of us standing together)
-Is she yours? (gotten this one multiple times - even the grocery store clerk has asked us this question)
-She looks just like you! (Uh - really?)
-Where is the mother? Are you the mother? (Said to me by a postal worker when we went to go apply for Peanut's passport - I nearly hauled out the boys to show the postal worker who her daddy was!)
-Where is she from? (Said with a raised inflection that seemed to indicate that they believe Peanut is from the backwaters of Timbuktu - followed by a disappointed "Oh" when they learn she is from the east coast)
-I wish I had had two daddies (I think this was meant to be a compliment)
It's not just what people say - sometimes it's also what they do. For example, we received a lot of beautiful gifts when Peanut was born, but two particular gifts left us scratching our heads:
-A board book entitled, "Where is my mommy" that has the reader looking for baby's mommy under the table and behind the curtain...why would you give this to a child with two dads? Sorta cruel, no?
-A jumper with the words "Mommy's girl" embroidered on the chest.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but these are the kind of gifts you really shouldn't bother giving. I mean, even as an ironic gift it's kind of ridiculous.
Most of the time I let things like this go in one ear and out the other (like the time I received the daily note home from day care, and it said "I had a great time at the mother's day breakfast with my mom." HUH?); and of course, in retrospect some of these are rather funny. But it also serves as a reminder that no matter how far we have come in terms of embracing diversity, we still have a long way to go.
A few comments. One - I have always believed that the majority of people are just flat out stupid (or maybe ignorant is a fairer word), and just don't think about the implications of what they are saying (and probably wouldn't realize the implications even if they did stop and think). Two - I have learned being pregnant that people have NO idea how what they are saying is going to affect somebody. Pregnancy is a very common sight and one that people are pretty used to seeing, and still they can say the most hurtful things while being blissfully unaware of how they have made you feel. So, it would stand to reason with situations that make people uncomfortable (and I think many times people don't even realize they are uncomfortable) they would say things that sting. The main thing I've taken away from pregnancy is that 99% of the time people really do mean to be kind - they are meaning to show an interest in you, or make you feel special - its just that the way they do it somehow misses the mark. In this particular case I would imagine that most of these people just can't fully wrap their brains around the idea of two dads (not because of discrimination so much as it being different from their own norms), and assume that you wouldn't want your daughter to feel "left out" of having a mommy, so they assume that you would still use the word as part of your family, even if a female parent isn't part of the equation. While this is a terrible way to look at the wonderful family you've created, I don't believe it's malicious, just misinformed.
ReplyDeleteIt's also hard because people have all different kinds of sensitive spots. There are people who have stepparents who they call 'Mom' or 'Dad' and get upset if anyone refers to them using the prefix "step." There are half-siblings who see no reason to indicate a half-ness about their relationship and there are adopted children who are very sensitive about people making reference to biological parents. And then, on the flip side, there are people in all of those situations who have no problem with any of it. Similarly I'm sure there are two-dad or interracial families where some of the comments above wouldn't be as touchy. So there are no rules in terms of what is acceptable and what isn't.
I think writing this blog and continuing to start conversations to educate people about your family is a great way to help people overcome this ignorance. But, ultimately, I think we all have to learn how to roll our eyes at the stupidity that can come out of people's mouths, have a laugh about it with a friend, and continue to remind ourselves that we are very happy in the choices we've made, and no idiot off the street can change that.
Thanks Queen B! There is this kitschy 80s musical called "Baby" that profiles three different couples in the throws of having a child. One of the songs is entitled "The Ladies Singing Their Song" and it's about all the advice pregnant women receive. It's totally crazy, but I agree that I think it comes from a place of caring and usually isn't malicious or evil in intent. Thanks so much for sharing!
ReplyDeletei can't believe with all the cute clothes that say DADDY's girl that you would get the one outfit that says Mommy's girl, and how stupid are these people???
ReplyDeleteand the daycare thing is appalling i mean REALLY?
this wouldve never happened @ a certain camp i know of! =)