That is the question...or the question of the moment. The age old “should I stay or should I go” debacle.
I honestly never thought that being a stay at home dad was in the cards for me. I derive an enormous amount of pleasure from my work (pleasure, and a TON of aggravation, agitation, and occasional annoyance), and I am pleased with all of my professional accomplishments. Sure I toyed with the idea of quitting my job and staying at home with the baby briefly before Peanut was born, but I hadn’t seriously considered being a stay at home parent...until today.
Just about six months ago, Peter and I began the process to adopt a second child. While one child in day care is expensive, the bill for two children in day care makes my head spin and my eyes bug out like a Looney Tunes character (seriously). My employer might as well make out my paycheck directly to the day care center, because that is where most of it will be going. On top of that, I pay a babysitter to pick up Peanut from school twice a week and watch her when I have evening meetings, which really adds up (when I was a babysitter, I made $8 an hour. Babysitters today charge almost twice that...maybe we should let babysitters solve the debt crisis instead of the politicians). So we both have been saying that when the new baby comes, we will need to find a new center that is less expensive.
Then last night, over an incredible anniversary dinner at Nobu (try the Omakase - you’ll love it), Peter and I began talking more about day care, and the new baby, and the topic of my becoming a stay at home parent. And for the first time, it sort of made sense. In the last few months, I really have started feeling that I am missing out on Peanut’s young life. During the week I only get to see her for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening (and in the evening she is so tired from school and I am in such a rush to feed her/bathe her/play with her, that neither of us ends up having that much fun), and less than that on days I work late. And then I think...if I can’t spend time with my kid, why did I have one in the first place?
But am I really ready to call it quits and take on the responsibility of being a stay at home dad. Am I really ready to face my fear?
Because when it comes right down to it, the whole idea makes me terrified.
I’m terrified of leaving the workforce. At a time when so many people are out of work (9.1% unemployment rate as of this morning), how can I walk away from a good, full time job? And how will it feel to leave, after having spent the last seventeen or so years working myself up to an executive level position?
I’m terrified this will derail my career. I happened to hear a story on NPR this morning about the jobs market as I made my way through the morning commute. While it was about the challenges people are having finding jobs, they noted that the longer someone is out of work, the harder it is to get a job. Skills become rusty. The professional world changes. If I leave the professional world for the next five years, what will my job prospects be when I come back?
I’m terrified about losing my independence, those 8-9 hours a day among adults. Beyond the pride I take in my work, I enjoy mentoring other staff, and collaborating on projects with my peers. I like adult conversations, and I am worried my available topics of conversation will be narrowed down to sippy cups and poopy diapers.
I’m terrified I will miss the power that comes with being an executive - of having an assistant and a staff of professionals that report to me. I will miss a job that allows me to learn and to flex my creativity. Being a stay at home dad is going to feel more like a daily marathon, I imagine. Less meetings, more messes. Less to do lists, more tantrums.
And I’m terrified because I am not sure I can do it. It is a huge job - am I really up for the task?
But is all this fear worth missing out on my child’s life? I love Peanut more than anything. And I know I will love my next child. Parenting is all about sacrifices, right...so shouldn’t I be willing to look past my fear and make this sacrifice for my child? For the first time I feel something akin to what some mom’s might feel like, for even though we no longer live in the sixties, there is still a certain expectation that raising kids is the woman’s job. There are plenty of women who choose their career, and there are many who gladly choose to stay at home - and I am certain there are other, like me, wondering what the right choice is - do I choose my kid...or do I choose my career (and is there any way to do both)? Unlike moms, the expectation is that, as a man, work will always come first. But I’m just not sure that is the right answer for us.
In a way, I’m lucky that this is even an option. And Peter is fully in support of whatever I choose. While the decision isn’t imminent, I know it is something I will wrestle with in the months ahead. Let’s just hope I make a decision before Peanut heads to college.
I honestly never thought that being a stay at home dad was in the cards for me. I derive an enormous amount of pleasure from my work (pleasure, and a TON of aggravation, agitation, and occasional annoyance), and I am pleased with all of my professional accomplishments. Sure I toyed with the idea of quitting my job and staying at home with the baby briefly before Peanut was born, but I hadn’t seriously considered being a stay at home parent...until today.
Just about six months ago, Peter and I began the process to adopt a second child. While one child in day care is expensive, the bill for two children in day care makes my head spin and my eyes bug out like a Looney Tunes character (seriously). My employer might as well make out my paycheck directly to the day care center, because that is where most of it will be going. On top of that, I pay a babysitter to pick up Peanut from school twice a week and watch her when I have evening meetings, which really adds up (when I was a babysitter, I made $8 an hour. Babysitters today charge almost twice that...maybe we should let babysitters solve the debt crisis instead of the politicians). So we both have been saying that when the new baby comes, we will need to find a new center that is less expensive.
Then last night, over an incredible anniversary dinner at Nobu (try the Omakase - you’ll love it), Peter and I began talking more about day care, and the new baby, and the topic of my becoming a stay at home parent. And for the first time, it sort of made sense. In the last few months, I really have started feeling that I am missing out on Peanut’s young life. During the week I only get to see her for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening (and in the evening she is so tired from school and I am in such a rush to feed her/bathe her/play with her, that neither of us ends up having that much fun), and less than that on days I work late. And then I think...if I can’t spend time with my kid, why did I have one in the first place?
But am I really ready to call it quits and take on the responsibility of being a stay at home dad. Am I really ready to face my fear?
Because when it comes right down to it, the whole idea makes me terrified.
I’m terrified of leaving the workforce. At a time when so many people are out of work (9.1% unemployment rate as of this morning), how can I walk away from a good, full time job? And how will it feel to leave, after having spent the last seventeen or so years working myself up to an executive level position?
I’m terrified this will derail my career. I happened to hear a story on NPR this morning about the jobs market as I made my way through the morning commute. While it was about the challenges people are having finding jobs, they noted that the longer someone is out of work, the harder it is to get a job. Skills become rusty. The professional world changes. If I leave the professional world for the next five years, what will my job prospects be when I come back?
I’m terrified about losing my independence, those 8-9 hours a day among adults. Beyond the pride I take in my work, I enjoy mentoring other staff, and collaborating on projects with my peers. I like adult conversations, and I am worried my available topics of conversation will be narrowed down to sippy cups and poopy diapers.
I’m terrified I will miss the power that comes with being an executive - of having an assistant and a staff of professionals that report to me. I will miss a job that allows me to learn and to flex my creativity. Being a stay at home dad is going to feel more like a daily marathon, I imagine. Less meetings, more messes. Less to do lists, more tantrums.
And I’m terrified because I am not sure I can do it. It is a huge job - am I really up for the task?
But is all this fear worth missing out on my child’s life? I love Peanut more than anything. And I know I will love my next child. Parenting is all about sacrifices, right...so shouldn’t I be willing to look past my fear and make this sacrifice for my child? For the first time I feel something akin to what some mom’s might feel like, for even though we no longer live in the sixties, there is still a certain expectation that raising kids is the woman’s job. There are plenty of women who choose their career, and there are many who gladly choose to stay at home - and I am certain there are other, like me, wondering what the right choice is - do I choose my kid...or do I choose my career (and is there any way to do both)? Unlike moms, the expectation is that, as a man, work will always come first. But I’m just not sure that is the right answer for us.
In a way, I’m lucky that this is even an option. And Peter is fully in support of whatever I choose. While the decision isn’t imminent, I know it is something I will wrestle with in the months ahead. Let’s just hope I make a decision before Peanut heads to college.
Here's my two cents: there are obviously pros and cons of either choice. But, if you do decide to stay home, you are way ahead of the game in that you already know what it is you're afraid of. that means you can proactively take steps to implement things in your life that will help fill the void left by giving up the job. Join a book club, take an online class - find something that will keep the grown up part of your brain active so that you don't feel frustrated that you are limited to talk that revolves around children. I think being in touch with the things you think you will lose is a great starting out point to find a way to incorporate those things in your new life. Taking time to make sure you still feel like you is key so you don't eventually end up resentful. And do not worry about losing to-do lists - there are plently of lists to be made at home, especially when you're as good a to-do lister as you are :)
ReplyDeleteI hope my listmaking doesn't make it on my tombstone!
ReplyDeleteOf course, after the long weekend not sure I have what it takes to be a stay at home parent (patience, selflessness, patience).